Hello and welcome to the Aligned Achiever podcast. I’m your host, Siobhan Barnes, and today we are diving into how we can begin to rethink setbacks and turn obstacles, past experiences that have been negative, any negative feedback into an opportunity. 

Now, this episode has really been inspired by some of the recent discussions I’ve been having with some of you as to what’s the biggest challenge that’s going on for you in your career at the moment, and also with my clients. And what I’m noticing is that for many of us, we have had past experiences that have been quote, unquote negative, hard or difficult, and sometimes we make meaning from those experiences which either hinder us or support us. 

And unfortunately, because our minds are hardwired to seek out the negative and to see danger. For many of us, we can see these experiences as negative and bring those into new work situations, whether you’ve changed into a new role, or you’re working with a new team, or you’re working at a new company. And I really want to speak to this topic today in today’s episode, because I want to support you in seeing setbacks as something that are inevitable. They don’t have to hold you back. They are part of the process. 

If you are climbing the ladder or pivoting into something more meaningful, or contributing your gifts and talents towards something you’re going to come across setbacks. That’s just part for the court, part for the course. 

A setback is something which you might perceive as, you know, a failure, a disappointment, when really it’s really just simply an opportunity or a redirection. 

So today, I really want to speak about what a setback is, how we can begin to redefine it. Talk you through some common reactions that we have to setbacks, and more importantly, how to shift these reactions so that you can really take the obstacles, the hindrances, the lessons learned and turn them into an opportunity that support you to grow as an individual, to grow as a leader, and to just become better, more resilient, at being able to handle whatever life throws your way. 

Because you and I both know that change is inevitable. We can’t control other people. Some people might be having a bad day, overstretched, overworked, reacting in not the kindest of ways, and sometimes that can say more about them than it really means about you. So really a setback, a failure, or something like that, is not necessarily always about you, and I really want to support you, to shift your mindset, to see it as a learning opportunity. 

Now I’m going to be really honest and candid with you here to share with you an example of how this manifested in my own life recently, so that I can share with you how I’m applying this in my own life as well. Because, as you know, if you’re here, I’m a coach, I support high achieving professional women into meaningful careers that feel fulfilling and successful without the burnout and stress and overwhelm. And I’m on this journey alongside you, you know, I am also figuring this out as I go. 

And I have the great privilege of supporting a lot of women on this journey, and I am by no means perfect, and so my very human example that I want to share with you is, as I’ve been sharing on the podcast, that in the past year, I’ve really felt more of a call to get into the corporate space and make a contribution to helping to shift the culture of some organisations that really support individuals to flourish and thrive in their roles. 

And that’s really come off the back of working with incredible women, and honestly feeling quite frustrated because these women have, you know, off their own dime, come to me to seek support, to get help, to figure out their their moves, and to improve and grow as leaders and sometimes, unfortunately, some of my clients work in environments that aren’t healthy, right, and that don’t support them to thrive. And so this is why I’ve been feeling a call to go back into corporate and do more trainings and workshops, etc, which I’ve had the great privilege to do, and it’s been wonderful. But I want to tell you an honest truth, where actually I was doing this work many, many years ago. 

It was between my second and third child, so it probably would have been about 2014 15, 2016 early, 2016. I had been doing a little bit of corporate work, and I remember facilitating a workshop for a well known financial institution, and it was a lunch and learn. And it was for the women’s network within this organisation. And there were people from different countries dialling into this session. 

So we had people from Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Singapore. Obviously, there were people in the room in Hong Kong, and I forget where else, but there were a lot of people dialling in, and I went into it, obviously, with a lot of energy and excitement. And I was a fairly new coach, right? I’d been probably coaching for about, well, two years, by then, two, three years, and I hadn’t coached in this capacity or facilitated in this capacity, and I felt like that workshop didn’t go very well. 

Now, looking back at that experience, I can see how I actually never got the feedback that it didn’t go well. It was something that I entirely perceived on my own, and what I did from that experience is I chalked it up to I’m not meant to go back into corporate. This is not where I’m meant to be. I’m not going to do this anymore. That was scary, that was vulnerable. I felt really uncomfortable, not going to do it again.

And then I gave birth to my third child, and focused on one-on-one coaching. And the story goes on, but coming back into this desire of, like, wanting to go into corporate, go back to facilitating these workshops. I think these, these callings kind of tap you on the shoulder and, like, whisper in your ears sometimes.

I realised that I had been hesitant to put myself out there and to, you know, market and talk about this with potential contacts because of this bad past experience, and I’m doing the inverted air quotes. If you’re here with me in my office, you’d see me doing that. And I realised that that story that I had told myself, the meaning I’d made from that event number one, was completely unfounded. That was just based on my own perception. 

And, you know, after many years of personal development, work, therapy, et cetera. I can see how I have that tendency to mind read to catastrophize, to get into that black and white thinking. And I realised that, number two, I was bringing this into this current experience and desire based on a completely unfounded bit of information. And that really helped me back. 

So I share this with you, to give you, firstly, number one, an example of what it looks like to have an obstacle or a setback, whether that’s a failure, a disappointment, something you perceive that didn’t go well as impacting an opportunity that’s in front of you. So I want you, as I’m you know, going to talk you through some of the common reactions to setbacks and how you can work through it like think of an example for yourself, if you scan back over, let’s say, the last five years.

Can you think of a time that was particularly difficult? Maybe it was a comment from a boss. Maybe you actually did get negative feedback that you bombed a presentation or a pitch. You know, maybe a team member gave you some feedback that was quite cutting, like whatever it might be. 

Have a think about that, and then ask yourself number one, what did you interpret that experience to mean about you? Right? Did you make it mean that you’re not good enough? Did you make it mean that you don’t know what you’re doing or that you’re not meant to be doing something? What is it that you made it mean? 

Like, in my example, I’m like, Oh, I’m not meant to work in corporate. It’s too difficult, uncomfortable. And along with that thought, like, what did you make it mean? What was your emotional reaction? 

You might even have an emotional reaction thinking about it, as I recall my example of, like, quote, unquote bombing that workshop that involved a number of people in the region, number of countries in the region, I feel embarrassed. I feel shame. I feel a bit of self doubt. And so, you know, my reaction to that is like, oh, I want to give up. 

What is it for you? Like, what do you feel and what do you as a result of that want to do? Like, what’s the action that feels most natural to take from that position? 

My guess is that for 98% of you that are following along with me, it will be something negative. If you can see it’s the other person. And you know, there you have no part in that awesome that’s great, but for most of you, you probably have a negative reaction.

So the question then becomes, What do you do with that? 

So just so you’re aware, some of the common feelings that come up when meeting you know setbacks is to feel frustration, fear, self doubt, shame, guilt, feeling stupid, feeling silly, whatever it might be, and how people can react is they can give up, they can retreat. Maybe just be that little bit smaller, that little bit more cautious. Maybe you want to procrastinate and not do the thing that you need to do. 

I used to work in real estate. I used to have to do business development calls. Hate. Those were definitely not my strong suit, and I would procrastinate on doing them because I told myself I’m not good at this, right?

 So have a think about what some of those behavioural reactions are for you, and how you can begin to shift. That is to just take a moment and slow down and just be present with your reaction. 

So maybe you’ve had a reaction even more recently in the last week. Maybe you’re going through something at the moment where you’re like, Oh, I’m going through this exact setback right now. Or maybe you’re still holding on to the hurt from a past experience that you’ve had five years ago. 

I’ll tell you. I’ve had this with clients where I’m working with them. You know, years after an event has happened, maybe even a decade before that informs the action that they’re taking right now. So you know that is really running the show. And when you let a past event that happened 10 years ago impact the way that you show up to your life, your work now in the present, that person that experience, still has power over you. It still has a hold over you, and it’s holding you back, and I don’t want that for you. 

So the first thing you want to do is just be aware. Look at, hmm, what happened? How did that feel? And what’s been your thought that you’ve told yourself, what’s it mode of you? In other words, what have you made it mean about you, and what’s been your reaction as a result? And just looking at it in the clear light of day, and having a look at that and then questioning some of these assumptions. 

Were those thoughts that you had about that experience and yourself about that setback actually true? Is it really true, or is the meaning you’ve made of that experience based on fear or limiting beliefs? Limiting beliefs might be, I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough. I can’t do this. I’m not ready yet. I’m not meant to do this, etc. 

And you can begin to start to unpick and like, poke holes in this argument, and start to see that actually it’s not it’s not true, right? 

Oftentimes, setbacks are actually an opportunity for us to learn and grow. So oftentimes, when I am supporting my clients around this sort of stuff, I will ask like, what did you take away from that experience? What did you decide? And sometimes it will be negative, right? That’s fine, but then I’ll ask like, how did that help you in the future? Or what did you learn that is helping you now? 

And in that way, we could start to see any silver linings in the difficult situation, or look at what needs to be shifted, what needs to be changed and build a new plan. So the question I like to ask is, how can this setback inform your next step?

Like, what is it that you’re going to take away from that experience, and what is it that you’re going to leave behind and let go of, right? So letting it all go and, like, moving forward from that identity, from that place of whatever you’re keeping and whatever you’re releasing. 

So a very visual image I like to give is like so often we operate through life and we’re holding, I always imagine like a sandbag on the shoulders. That’s, I tend to hold a lot of tension in my shoulders. So some people call it a backpack, or, you know, we’re carrying a suitcase, like, I think of it as like a sandbag on your shoulders. 

And when you’re operating in the world with that weight of the world upon you, where you’re not good enough, or you’re not meant for this, or, you know, somebody said something and they hurt you, and you’re still carrying that on that carrying that hurt on your shoulders, you just move through life with your shoulders a little bit more hunch, that energy a little bit less vibrant. You take up that little bit less space, and it just becomes harder unnecessarily. 

So the other piece around this is to actually let yourself feel that emotion that you didn’t let yourself feel in order to liberate it. Now, for many of you, you know that I work as an embodiment coach, and as I coach my clients, we meet these feelings and we liberate them through the body. And you can work with a feminine embodiment coach, such as myself to go to work through that, but equally, you can use whatever practices make you feel good. 

So the typical ones that you can always go to are to actually cry if you’re sad, to punch a pillow if you’re angry, if you need to release some energy, go for a walk or a run in the mountains and nature, swim, move that energy. Energy and motion helps to shift what’s stuck. 

And the analogy I often give when I’m talking about why embodiment work is so important is that if you ever watch a documentary about a lion chasing a impala on the grassy plains in Africa, you will see that if the impala makes a narrow escape and the lion doesn’t manage to catch the impala. It will shake afterwards, right? It will shake its body. It will do its thing, and then off it goes. It’s fine. It doesn’t hold on to why did the lion choose me and not my friend? You know, it doesn’t need to go to therapy to analyse what it might have done wrong; it releases that energy.

Of course, we’re very different, biologically to impalas, but there is a human, instinctual animal part of us that needs to release this energy. And what happens is, when we’re in these experiences, we can’t feel right. We often either go into freeze mode and shut down, or we might fight. You might want to, like, speak up and try to defend yourself in the moment, or you might flee. Your fright. You might run away, try to avoid the situation. And we don’t complete that energy in the system, and it just keeps looping and looping. 

And you know, one theory that I’ve learned from one of my mental coaches is that continually, we’re going to bump into life, into other experiences where we have the opportunity to complete that energy so that it can flow. 

So as you’re listening to this podcast episode, think about that past experience, however long it happened for you. And even if you think it’s in the past, do something to let it go. You know, you can shake your hands. Go for that run, listen to music, dance it out, etc, etc, but don’t, don’t hold it all in.

And I’ll tell you I did this right when I was thinking about this past experience with the workshop, the regional workshop that I ran. I let myself feel the discomfort, right? I let myself meet. Oh my god. It wasn’t as good as I thought. It was really quiet. There was no engagement. Oh my god. I felt like I did a bad job. What if I go back into corporate workshops and it’s just the same thing? How am I gonna know blah, blah, blah, blah, and I just let it all release and let go. 

So now it’s become a lot easier. I’ve gone in to deliver workshops with much cleaner energy. I’m not going in looking for all the reasons why I’ve done something wrong or will do wrong. I’m going into it with fresh energy. You know this is a great experience, let’s see what’s going to happen today. Let’s see who these people are in the room, what their energy’s like. I’ll bring my best, but I know they will bring their best too. 

So no matter what the example is for you. Let’s say you had a bad boss, right? Who might have berated you or used negativity and that real  carrot and stick to really incentivize people to get results. Maybe you can look back on that and say, You know what? That was more about them than me. That was how they controlled. I know that I work best in this scenario, and I’m gonna let myself feel angry, punch the pillow, release that energy, screw that boss, you know, really, let that energy go, and then just move on, right? 

And then you go into your next relationship with your next boss, not looking for all the ways that they’re going to try and control you, but going into it with a clean energy. That’s just one example, right? 

Unfortunately, I work with clients who can tend to have bad bosses. That happens, right? We never know who we’re going to work with. But, you know, we don’t want to bring that baggage. We don’t want to carry that sandbag into that next opportunity. Because here’s the thing, I’ll let you in on a little secret. 

So many people come to me thinking they have to change the external circumstance that they’re in, in order to change what they’re experiencing. 

I need to quit my job so that I can feel happy and fulfilled. I need to get that promotion so that I feel successful and I get that next pay raise, whatever it is, and that’s like the last bit that needs to change if we don’t address the pain that we’re holding, the negative energy, the sandbag, those habits, behaviours, beliefs about ourselves, we’re just going to create the same reality in the next job.

Like I said, the mentor coach of mine said, you know, if this stuff is still hanging around, we’re just going to bump into the next opportunity. So it has an opportunity to be resolved, which I really like you can take, believe it or not, but I do subscribe to that, and so I think that mindset also helps us realise that all of this, everything is just an experience.

We tend to label things as good, bad, right, wrong, but when we meet what is, let ourselves feel the discomfort, release that discomfort, liberate that tension, see the meaning we want to make from it, whether the meaning we’ve made is really true or not true. What we’re going to take, what we’re going to leave behind, we could just be done with that experience. Move on. Go to the next thing.

And that’s the truth. My personal philosophy is that we’re here to live. Paradox that we are both, you know, whole and perfect as we are, and there’s nothing we need to change, nobody else we need to be. But the paradox is we’re also here to learn, grow, evolve, experience, and I believe we’re here to dance between the two. 

So if you have experienced a setback, whether that’s a failure, disappointment, a hard time, please, know that it’s just an opportunity for redirection, an opportunity for reevaluation, and you don’t have to hold on to those old narratives and old stories about who you are and what you can or cannot do anymore. And if you need support around this. You know that this might be something that’s keeping you stuck, feel free to reach out to me. 

If you come onto my website, you can book a Get Unstuck Call with me. We can kind of look at this complimentary call and see where is it that you’re stuck, and I’ll share with you if I can support you, if I’m the right fit, or, you know, support you with anything else that you might need to move you along and get unstuck and not let this setback influence your current reality and what it is you’re trying to create going forward. 

So thank you so much for tuning in. 

Today, we’ve spoken about how to rethink the setback and turn obstacles into opportunities, and just know that this is part of the process. We’re going to face setbacks. We’re going to face failures. We’re going to face hard things, but you can do hard things. You’ve got phenomenal coping skills. You will get back up, you will survive. You’ll be able to move on. 

And you are really here for a reason beyond merely hustling, grinding and merely surviving, you matter. Have a great week.