Hello and welcome to the Aligned Achiever podcast. I’m your host, Siobhan Barnes, and today we’re diving into a topic that is at the heart of making career and leadership decisions with confidence, and it basically all comes down to self trust.

If you’ve ever found yourself second guessing a career move, feeling paralysed and making a big decision or questioning if you’re really cut out for leadership, this episode is for you.

So often we look outward for validation. We seek advice from mentors. We read books, we listen to podcasts, we scroll through LinkedIn for inspiration, hoping for that one sign that tells us we’re on the right track. And this is something I hear time and time again with my clients, is, well, how do I know I’m making the right decision?

But what if I told you that the clarity you’re seeking and searching for isn’t outside of you, it’s actually already within you. 

In today’s episode, we’re going to explore why trusting yourself is the key to making aligned career and leadership decisions. We’ll talk about what holds us back from self trust and how we can begin to shift it. And I’ll also share a practical process to support you, to strengthen your self trust so that you can move forward with clarity. So let’s get into it.

Before we get into it, I want to preface this episode by saying this has been something that I have also been challenged by as I’ve navigated my own career trajectory. And self trust is, I think, something that we’re called to master time and time again, and it’s a core skill to develop. Because if you are listening to this, chances are you are a person that wants to really actualise your potential, right? Do really great work, use your brilliant mind to make an impact, and that’s going to require you to stretch beyond your comfort zone.

And so if you are the type of person that is always going to be pushing your edges, pushing beyond your comfort zone, of course, you’re going to be bumping up against the unknown, non linear path forward, a blank canvas from within which to make decisions. And with that, you’re going to have to trust yourself when you step onto your own leadership path, maybe you’re managing a department, a team, one person. It also requires self trust. And so this is a core skill that I don’t think many people talk about, but I wanted to name it because this is the thing that I have seen set people apart when it comes to having the courage, conviction and strength to navigate a path that is their own.

I often look to successful, well known people out there, because Tony Robbins often said that success leaves clues. And I often thought when I first heard that quote, that that meant there was something in that person that I had to emulate or embody myself. And what I’ve come to realise it’s less about being that person. I mean, this might sound really obvious to you, but I wanted to speak to it, in case you’ve fallen into this same way of thinking as me, but it’s less about us becoming that person, and more about thinking about, well, what are the traits that make them successful? And the things that I see are actually a clear understanding of what makes an individual unique, knowing their strengths and playing to those strengths.

And so it’s not about us all being the gregarious, loud leaders at the front of the room. For some of us, we will be the quieter, more observant leadership types.

And whilst it can seem that in the world, that the certain type of leader which is more extroverted, more gregarious, more out there, is the way forward. I really want to say that I don’t believe that is true. I believe that we are in a world which encourages, you know, extraversion, encourages publicity, encourages talking about ourselves, and look, that’s something that we all have to navigate and figure out what we do in that realm. But what is more important is actually finding a way that works for you and leaning on your natural tendencies, your natural strengths and talents.

Because if you’re trying to be someone you’re not, of course, you’re not going to trust yourself. You’re always going to be second guessing. You’re always going to be thinking like, oh, how should I be doing this? Or how would so and so do this?

So self trust is really important, because I want you to come back home to you, and if you listen to me talk about the preamble for this episode, and I said, oh, all the answers are inside of you. If you did an eye roll, I get it. Like it’s frustrating to know all the answers are inside of us, but sometimes we need help in unlocking that. So let’s start with why self trust is the key to career and leadership clarity.

So let’s start with an honest truth bomb. No one has the answers for you, but you.

And I know this can seem really frustrating, and you’re probably going, what aren’t you a coach? Don’t you tell and support people how to how to figure out their career paths?

And I’ll tell you, I’ve worked with so many women navigating their career pivots, whether it’s stepping into a leadership role or leaving a corporate job or exploring something entirely new. And I’ve noticed one thing, those who trust themselves and take action faster, they experience less stress in the process.

Now, why is that? Well, when you trust yourself, you stop outsourcing decisions to others, you make choices that align with your values and your long term vision, and you can show up more confidently as a leader, because you’re acting based on your gut instinct, your intuition, where you’re being guided to show up and what you’re meant to do.

On the flip side, when we don’t trust ourselves, we hesitate. We get stuck in analysis paralysis, afraid of making the wrong move, and we delay decisions until external circumstances can force our hand.

The truth is, clarity comes from taking action, even if it’s imperfect action, not overthinking.

And I think this is one of the traps that we fall into. And I myself fall into this, as well as a reflective journaler who likes a plan, sometimes the best thing you can do is not overly plan and just have the conversation test things out. This is something I myself am doing in my own business.

As I’m navigating my own pivot and iteration and evolution into what’s next, I’m having the uncomfortable conversation, sharing my ideas and seeing what lands and seeing what doesn’t. So self trust is really, really important.

And I think the idea that things have to be perfect and you have to know your 3000 steps before you take the first one, it just isn’t true. And the truth is, when you start to show up and take action from that place of self trust, then the path becomes really clear.

I’ll share an example with you, which kind of seems tangential to what I’m talking about, but it’s something that I’ve been pondering as I’ve been navigating this myself.

So a couple of years ago, coming up to three years ago, thanks to some very well educated friends who I’ve had on the podcast Dr Lorena Law and Beth Wright, I started lifting weights and really prioritising strength training, because all the all the science says that, you know, strength training impacts our health, particularly as we go into perimenopause and menopause. And I realised that was something I wanted to do now.

I went into that thinking, I’m just going to go to the gym, lift weights, follow the programming, let it see where it takes me. Here I am two and a half years later, and I’ve just enrolled in Hyrox. I’m going to do my first Hyrox doubles event in May. And if you had asked me two and a half years ago if I would be the person that would do that, I would be like that is 100% not me. No way that I would do that. And as I was signing up, I realised, oh my gosh, it’s amazing how much things can change, because I took those first steps, I wasn’t so rigid on needing to get to a certain place. I just led with curiosity, self trust that I was making the right decision by me and being open to where that process took me.

So a tangential side note, but it’s the same thing when it comes to career pivots.

Let yourself percolate on those potential pivot ideas that you have, entertain them, play with them, hold them loosely.

And I know you’re probably thinking, Shiv, I don’t have time to do that. Well, in the limited time you do have, what can you do in that area? Can you spend 10 minutes just indulging yourself to read a book on a topic that you’re interested in. Can you indulge yourself in attending a workshop just because it’s something of interest, right? Like, how can we start small?

So self trust really is the key, and self trust goes beyond just listening to yourself, it really goes with taking action on what you’re being guided to do next.

Now this brings me on nicely to part two, like, what holds us back from trusting ourselves?

What holds us back from listening to that little whisper, that little voice inside that’s like, Oh, I’m interested in this, go check it out. Why do we do that? I think there’s three different reasons.

The first is that we’re very disconnected from our intuition. Many of us and I see this time and time again, with my clients and with myself, this has been a lot of programming to undo. Many of us have learned to prioritise logic and data over our own inner knowing, right? And this is a question I often get asked. It’s like, well, how do I know if what I’m being guided to do is my intuition, or it’s just old programming? Well, to get back into your intuition, you need to have some embodiment tools to get back into a regulated state, which is why nervous system work is so central to the work that I do.

When you drop into a ventral vagal state, social engagement state where you’re relaxed, that’s when you’re open, that’s when you’re curious, that’s when you can have a growth mindset, contrary to when you’re in fight flight mode, or you’re in dissociation mode. You can’t listen to your intuition, right? You’re literally listening to your primal brain that’s telling you how to survive, or the other part of your brain that’s like, oh, you need to do this thing. Oh, but I can’t. So that’s why we want to connect to our intuition.

So if you find that you’re struggling to trust yourself, the first thing I want you to ask yourself is, how connected are you to your intuition? Could it be that you’re prioritising logic and data over your inner knowing and those little whispers that are calling you to something else or to trust yourself in a certain direction.

The second thing that I think holds us back from trusting ourselves and taking action on what we think is right for us is an over reliance on external validation. We’ve been conditioned to seek approval from bosses, colleagues, or even family, before making a move.

Recently, I was in one of my inner circles, and we were having a conversation about a particular topic, and I realised that in myself, I still do this. I am the one that’s holding me back. Sometimes it’s not necessarily the environment, but it’s my own thinking, where I’m like, Oh, but I need them to say this is okay before I can take that next step.

You know, I think it starts when we’re students, right? And the teacher knows best. And then, for me, when I was pregnant, it was like, Oh, the doctor knows best. Of course, the doctor does know really well, but there are certain things the doctor may not know that are important to you, right?

So if we’re overly reliant on external validation, and we give up our own agency, our own inner knowing, then we’re not going to trust ourselves. And in doing so if we like, rely on external validation, we’re kind of deflecting personal responsibility, right? So if something goes wrong, we can say, Oh, well, I shouldn’t have followed their advice. They told me to do it. When actually, we need to learn how to, you know, critically discern whether that validation was right for you in the first place.

The third and final thing that I think holds us back from trusting ourselves is that fear of failure, right? I just mentioned that like, Oh, if something goes wrong, I can blame it on the other person.

We don’t want to make a mistake as much as you know we can. We can say we learn from our mistakes, or it’s all part of the process, or that’s part of innovation. I could even say it too, but I know deep down, I don’t really want to get it wrong. I don’t really want to make a mistake.

And I think at the end of the day, what holds us back from trusting ourselves is, oh my gosh, what if I make the wrong decision? So what if I get into a leadership role and I fail? Or what if I make a career pivot, it was the wrong move, and I have to go crawling back to my old job and say, Ah, I made a mistake. That’s what holds us back from trusting ourselves.

But when we are disconnected from our intuition, overly reliant on other people’s validation or permission, and we fear failure, then the action that we take is never going to be fully fuelled and backed by our conviction and confidence and energy and curiosity, to be like, I’m going to give this my all and then see where I land. So we really want to be able to, when we’re building our self trust, be able to say, you know what, I’m gonna give this step the best shot I have, and to know I’m gonna have, you know, phenomenal coping skills to pick myself up if it doesn’t go according to plan, I’ll know how to pivot and move on.

And this is really the mindset and embodiment that I really want you to carry through with you as you’re navigating your own pivot or stepping into leadership. And for many of you, you will be stepping into leadership, whether it’s in your organisation or whether you’re looking to make a complete move, self leadership is critical, and you need to be able to lead yourself before you can then lead others. Right?

People rely on your confidence conviction to be confident that they can trust you to follow your direction and to move forward.

So that brings me to the final part. How can we start to strengthen self trust if we know it’s a really important skill, whether you’re in a leadership role or you’re making a career decision, how do you do it if you’re struggling to trust yourself?

Listen up. I’ve got four things to share with you here.

So step one is to tune in, set some time aside, to sit with yourself, close your eyes, take a deep breath. Get into that social engagement, ventral vagal state. And if I’m saying these words and you’re like, What the heck does that mean? You don’t need to know about that. I just invite you to take three deep breaths with me.

Okay, so just closing down your eyes. If you’re driving, please don’t close your eyes. But you can do the deep breaths, but for a moment, just feel yourself resting on the chair, your feet on the ground or the floor, or whatever you’re resting on. Just take a deep breath in, a deep breath out, and you can sigh or exhale, second breath in, second breath out, and final time, one breath in and final breath out, and I’m going to ask you this question, and pay attention to your gut reaction.

And that question is, what do you truly want? What do you truly want? And just pay attention to your gut reaction. Was it a feeling? Was it a thought? Was it something specific? Was it something a little airy fairy? Doesn’t matter. Don’t judge it. Just start to tune in. What do you want?

And this practice of tuning in that’s you starting to build a connection with your intuition and hearing what it wants. And sometimes it might say, I don’t want this. Stop there. Then what’s the opposite? Right? If you don’t want to be stressed, maybe you say, I want to be calm. Your mind cannot decipher negatives, right? So we need to learn to dialog with our mind. If you say, Don’t be stressed, your mind just hears the word stress. If I just tell you don’t think of chocolate, you’re going to think of chocolate. So you have to flip it to the positive, right? So that’s step number one.

Then step number two, you want to gather evidence of moments where you trusted yourself, even in something small, something where you know you made great decisions, and it worked out well, right?

So for me, I trusted myself that, you know, my late 30s, I was like, oh, I need to think about exercise. And I trusted myself to reach out to Beth, actually, to say, hey, I need some help around this. And she recommended going to a specific gym, and I trusted that step, and that led me to signing up. And two and a half years later, I’m still going, and now I’m thinking about Hyrox, right? Like I’m doing Hyrox.

So I thank my past self for making those decisions where I trusted myself, got support, made the investment, and it’s paid off tenfold, right? So gather evidence for yourself. It doesn’t even have to be work related. The point is, you are a good decision maker.

Have you made decisions that didn’t go quite so well in the past? Sure, I know I have. I’ve made so many mistakes, so many mistakes, and my mind can want to focus on those. But you know, I’ve also made some great ones too. So take a moment gather evidence, show your brilliant mind, I know how to make good decisions.

And then step three, take a micro action. So the way we build self trust is through action.

So I want to ask you, when you just ask yourself, What did you want? I want you to ask yourself, What’s one small, low risk step you can take to move forward towards what it is that you want, just one small, low risk step.

When you’re working with the body, working with the mind, you don’t have to make these grand, sweeping gestures. It can feel too much. Start small, and you will build. Similar to me in the gym. I’m going to keep using this analogy. I started with really light weights and have built up very, very slowly to heavier weights. Same thing with trusting your decisions.

Start small, start light, and build. So for you, maybe it’s having a conversation. Maybe it’s just simply journaling your thoughts and noodling out a bit more what you want. Maybe it’s something even more. Maybe you have to set a boundary at work. What is one small, low risk tip, step you can take?

And the final step, step four, is just to release the need for certainty. Trusting yourself means being okay with not having every answer up front.

It’s about knowing that no matter what happens, you have the skills, resilience, adaptability, coping skills, to navigate whatever comes next, because you do. If everything went wrong, you would figure things out. It’s just that you don’t want to have to get to that phase, and your mind wants to keep you safe and in what’s familiar and comfortable, even though your heart might be yearning for more or something different.

So those are the four steps.

• Step one, tune in what do you truly want?
• Step two, gather evidence of how you have made good decisions in the past and how they did work out.
• Step three is take a micro action towards what you want.
• And step four is in doing so release the need for certainty.

Building that trust, no matter what happens, you have the skills, resilience and adaptability to navigate whatever comes next. So as you think about your next career move or a leadership decision that you have to make in your role, I want to leave you with this question, what would it feel like to fully trust yourself in this moment?

That feeling, that inner knowing it’s always there. It’s just a matter of tuning back in. For me, so that I can share with you an example if I was to fully trust myself in this moment, that would mean going all in on a particular project that I’m working on. Stay tuned. I’ll be able to share more as it begins to actualise. I’m in data gathering mode and and, you know, I mean, I’m planting the garden, I’m getting the garden ready, but it would mean going all in on that and saying, You know what, if I want to go for this, these are the things I’m going to take. I’m not going to necessarily be so tentative. I’m going to take bolder steps.

So if this episode resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you. Send me a message, share your biggest takeaway, what it is that you’re fully trusting yourself in this moment? come find me on LinkedIn or Instagram, and you can come and find my handle. I’ll share with you in the show notes over at siobhanbarnes/126.

If you know someone who needs to hear this, please share this episode with them. If you are navigating a pivot and you are wanting support around this, and you know that this self mastery, this self trust, is something that you want to work on. The doors to the Pivot Pathfinders Collective are opening up again very, very soon, and if you’d like to get your name over on the wait list, come on over to the show notes at siobhanbarnes.com/126, to get first dibs on when the doors open and the incredible bonuses that will come for those of you who are on the wait list until next time, please trust yourself. You’ve got this.

I believe, those ideas, those seeds of creativity, those callings, they’re there for a reason, and that it’s chosen you.

You’re here for a reason, beyond merely hustling, grinding and merely surviving. You matter, and I’m excited for what unfolds, not just for yourself when you trust yourself, but what else happens and the ripple effect on the world and others too. So please remember that.

Thank you so much for tuning in, and I’ll see you on the next episode of the aligned achiever podcast. Thanks for tuning in.